Use Comparison as a Clue
Yes, we’ve all heard that “comparison is the thief of joy.” And when comparison leads to shame, self-doubt, or spiraling thoughts of not being enough, that’s absolutely true. But what if—when met with curiosity instead of criticism—comparison could actually help you?
As coaches we know that at its core, comparison is a signal. It’s data. It’s a whisper (or sometimes a shout) from inside saying: “Hey, there’s something here for you to pay attention to.”
What if comparison could actually help you?
What Is This Reaction Trying to Show Me?
The next time you feel that uncomfortable ping of comparison—your friend just got promoted, your cousin just bought a house, someone you follow just posted a perfectly filtered vacation photo—pause. Instead of jumping into self-judgment or upset, get curious:
What are my feelings really about?
What part of me feels left out, behind, or envious?
What do I want that I do not have?
Instead of jumping into self-judgment or upset, get curious.
Sometimes envy is just a realization in disguise. When comparison stings, it’s often because it’s brushing up against something you really want—something important that may have been put on the back burner of your own life.
If seeing someone’s thriving business makes you feel mediocre, it might not be jealousy—it might be longing. Longing to build something of your own. If someone else’s relationship or community stirs up discomfort, maybe it’s showing you that you’re ready for deeper connection. If a friend’s nomadic lifestyle makes you restless, that might not be a threat—it could be an invitation to reconnect with your sense of adventure.
When comparison stings, it’s often because it’s brushing up against something you really want.
Let It Be Information—Not Condemnation
Most of us have been taught to feel ashamed of comparison. We don’t want to seem ungrateful, petty, or insecure. But repressing comparison doesn’t make it go away—it just turns it inward, where it festers. Instead, what if you let it talk to you?
Comparison might sound like: "This matters to me." "I want that, too." "I’m ready for a change." That doesn’t mean you have to chase someone else’s path. It means you get to listen and ask, “What does this feeling want me to know about my own path?”
Repressing comparison doesn’t make it go away—it just turns it inward.
A Practice to Try
Here’s a simple reflection exercise you can do the next time comparison shows up:
Name it: What or who triggered the comparison?
Feel it: Where do you feel it in your body—tight chest, sinking belly, clenched jaw?
Ask it: What is this really about? What do I wish I had right now?
Reframe it: Instead of, “I’m behind,” try: “This is showing me something I care about.”
Act on it: What’s one small but immediate step you can take to go after the desire?
When you treat comparison as a teacher instead of a judge, something beautiful happens: you stop turning on yourself, and you start turning toward the future. It is not about someone else’s life—it’s about building one that feels right for you. Your desires are not flaws. They’re clues. Follow them.
It is not about someone else’s life—it’s about building one that feels right for you.
Casey Seidenberg
is a Human Better EDU Program Leader and Executive Life Coach. She leads our popular Take Charge of Your Life course for Middle Schoolers and High Schoolers. She also works with graduate-level educators to Kindergarten teachers and everything in between. Email Casey at casey@humanbetteredu.org.
Want Help Turning Your Envy into Curiosity?
Bring your comparisons to an HB EDU Coach and let us help you get curious, sort through them, and discover what these feelings are really telling you. Your Coach can help you reframe these thoughts and turn them into a plan and action to go after your Dreams! Book a free call today.